As we are moving into this New Moon, I’m reflecting on opportunities for new growth, self love, accepting responsibility, and the life I’ve designed. In this, I begin to see barriers that are standing in my way of me feeling fully embodied, empowered and in my place of wisdom and truth.
Feminine sexuality does not mean hyper-sexuality. For years I believed the lie that I was “hyper” sexual; that my tendencies were devious and shameful, in turn causing me to live a life of repression. As I step into the real world where I set my boundaries, where I live from a place of authenticity, I recognize where I need to adjust my belief system.
Mantra: Feeling pleasure is natural. Feeling pleasure is good. Feeling pleasure is healthy.
It feels like so many of my relationships with men are sexual. There are few social interactions with men that aren’t highly sexualized in some way. This scares the living shit out of me, as I see how I was seeking out to prove the repression. I’ve been abstinent for around 8 months or so, in fear of perpetuating old patterns. I aim to move away from fear and act from a place of love, but again, I’m scared to reinforce old habits.
Beginning to tell myself that pleasure is good, I wonder if I will I be able to maintain my boundaries in this place I’ve been before. I feel like an addict, telling myself it’ll just be one hit, and I know it won’t be. How do I move beyond this mentality? Is there a way? Acknowledging my motives were from a place of repression in the past, can I move forward now with new eyes? Seeking out pleasure from a place of love and affection for another? This has been one extended lesson that began officially and intentionally Jan 2016. I’ve been studying for a while, this is my test.
Having bodywork done by a male today, offering me healing space in a non sexual realm provided me an opportunity to breathe into the pain I was feeling. I realized this need to control situations with men and this fear of not being in control of myself in the presence of men because I’m just too sexual does not serve me.
Navigating this world with one foot in the strip club and one foot out is insanely difficult. The idea of separating the two worlds, or keeping them separate, like many told me to do in the beginning, proved to wound me in more ways than I could imagine. The in-authenticity and repetitive trauma caused memory loss and mental illness that I’m still recovering from.
I’m still in this place of convergence. I’m finding the middle road. The place of balance. The resting place of peace.
On this full moon I release:
Self sabotage (childhood patterns of protection)
Needing security from an external source
Needing to be worshiped or cherished by an external source
I will will transmute this pain and suffering into unconditional love for myself. I will pamper and nourish my body, mind, and soul to boost my confidence and self esteem that will allow me to generate an endless flow of love from my own internal source.
I’m calling in:
Revolutionary thoughts to modify my beliefs.
Magic and Mystery
Endless flow of love from my own internal source
Fulfilling my wants and needs from a place within
A sense of responsibility to serve
What beliefs are standing in your way from becoming fully empowered?
How does this make you feel? How have these beliefs affected your life? Can you begin to let these go and create new beliefs that support the life you desire? What beliefs do you choose now?