Thirty years into this life and I’m discovering there is always room to grow more. Recognizing that not all wounds are from childhood, but many still stem from there. As I continue this life, healing old wounds, I begin to discover there is one wound yet to be tackled at the root. I’ve looked at it from many perspectives, but as I use my inner and outer guides speak to me, I’m hearing something quite loud. I’m recognizing a pattern of sexual nature. My childhood coping mechanisms for the abandonment I felt from my father. This has been brewing inside of me for a while and has been seeping out of my pores, waiting to be liberated.
Today, as I danced, it became free. The root of my patterns revealed itself to me as I fell into old ways and recognized what I was doing. I consciously chose another route this time. I stayed in my power and said, No to this sub personality of mine.
So my wild, uninhibited sexual desire for the masculine, reaching out in fear of them leaving, ultimately causing me pain, ends now.
I’m ready to ask the difficult questions. What does it mean to be sexual? What does it mean to have a healthy sexuality? How can I mature my concept of sexuality to support my growth and development as a healer. What does it mean to be in love? What does it mean to have a healthy, balanced romantic relationship with someone? My idea of pleasure is one with pain… may I separate them completely and enjoy each for their own delights? Can I safely interact with men without desiring sex? Can I interact with men and still want sex? How do I know when I want sex? How do I know when to follow my pleasure? Do I continue creating friendships with men that help me do this inner work to figure out what I need to find comfort in the opposite sex?
I’m ready to let go of what I know about sexuality and go into the unknown into the darkness of my soul to emerge as someone new and whole. Someone who has looked at the pain, the trauma, and someone who does not run away from it. My darkness.. the need to be needed by men. The desire to be all that is feminine and wild. Perfection. Goddess. I look at my wounds. Look at my patterns of romance and sexuality. Notice them. Acknowledge them. This is what I want to teach, this is what I shall do for myself. Do the work.
My Loyal Soldier acting out to protect me the only way it knows how. Here I stand as the Sovereign Queen or the the Nurturing Mother, stroking the loyal soldier’s head, saying, “Welcome home. Take off your armor and lay down your weapons. The war is over. This is not the way anymore. You do not need to do this to survive, there is another way. Thank you for your service to me for all these years. I’m eternally grateful to you.”
So as I consciously choose my path to freedom from old patterns that do not serve me, I step into the wildness of the unknown. I do not know the path I must take, I simply know the old one can not continue. I’m trusting in the process I so deeply have created and practiced all these years.
This is what life is all about. Exploration. Freedom. Magic.